sugar and spice, why do we keep robbing little girls of everything nice?

A few weeks ago, my friend and I went to a nearby beach to spend our Sunday afternoon. While in the water, my friend drew my attention to a big-haired little girl doing the most. We watched from a distance as she played with some other little girls; smiling, running, jumping with utter glee. A lot of what I do advocacy wise is focused on ways we can protect girls and boys from the horrible experiences that threaten to rob their innocence and rip them of their honest smiles. I know what it means to be a little care-free girl, ignorant of the fact that some grown men see you as a weak soul to corrupt and leave damaged. Sexual assault, abuse, rape and suggestive conversations are the unfortunate right of passage for many young girls. It has become so ingrained in our society, that it is normalized to the point that we have taught our young girls, and boys, to expect that their innocence is under siege.

Like the little girl on the beach that warm Sunday afternoon, I value seeing youthful smiles and enjoyment. How can we keep that though? How do we challenge ourselves to do more than just public outcry washed in the narrative of ‘dirty, hardback men’? How do we preserve little girls sugar, spice and their everything nice? When I say sugar, spice and everything nice, I don’t mean the gender normative roles that deem girls weak and meek, but rather, I am speaking to their right to live free from fear that they are to be preyed upon. And why when incidents of sexual assault and abuse are brought to light, do we rush to express our public outcry without very little thought to the best means of healing our young girls and boys? We rush to share hashtags and point fingers at everyone else for facilitating the perfect storm of sexual misconduct, often times refusing to take ownership of our own actions. We are all to blame. Our young girls are under attack, and every parent, family member, family friend, church, school, and government must take ownership of their hand in the ordeal.

So let me share my experience with you. I have told this story multiple times in small spaces where I’ve had to talk to young girls and boys about speaking up when they have been the victims of abuse, rape and other inappropriate behaviours, and I have also told it to parents and other adults as a reminder that it is their duty to PROTECT children. So here I go:

My Story

 When I was in 1st form, every morning I would walk to the bus stop from my home, in order to catch the bus to school. On my way to the bus stop, I would have to pass the home of a police officer, who lived with his wife and children. He was always very polite, but something about him use to rub me the wrong way. I would also pass an older man, who was my dad’s age, waiting on the corner. I found him just as creepy as the police officer. He would never say anything to me, but would watch me and smile menacingly. I would never walk on the side of the road he was standing on. I thought he was mentally unstable, and was scared that he would grab me. I was 11. This man, would remain at this spot, every morning, for the length of years I attended high school. THE FULL TIME! Let that sink in. He would eventually tell a family friend that lived across the road from him, that he was in love with me. The family friend told my mother, and my parents threatened him and informed the whole neighbourhood about his behaviour, but of course couldn’t take it further, as he had never said anything to me or approached me physically. It is important to note, that even without a word being said or any physical contact, the inference of his thoughts held power over me.

Now back to the police officer. One particular morning, rain caught me at the bus stop, and the officer was passing in his car and stopped to offer me a ride. He is a police officer, was in his uniform, and I was taught that officers of the law are to be trusted. So, I got into the car, but regretted it right away. The police officer began to strike up a conversation with me that made me feel very uncomfortable. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, and if I went on dates, and if I were having sex. Let me remind you, I was 11. I was so scared and caught off guard, I kept still and literally pasted myself to the passenger door, putting distance between me and him. That drive to school was the longest 10 minutes of my life! I was dropped off at the school gate and I could not get out of that car any faster. My heart was beating at a supremely fast rate, and I was struggling to breathe. I ended up rushing to the school’s washroom to throw up.

When I got home that day, and my mom came home from work, I told her what had happened. I told her I felt uncomfortable. I had not completed explaining my ordeal to her, before she was quickly putting her clothes on, with no bra, no shoes, to proceed around the corner to said police officer’s home. She called him out, or rather yelled him out of his house, and began to buse him stink and told him that she would be reporting him to the Commissioner of Police. You know what he responded and said? He told my mother, that he noticed that the young boys in the area had been watching me a kinda how, and he wanted to warn me from them. My mother said nerp sir, you are a liar and a predator, that is not how an adult man should speak to a little girl. She told him I was a child, and she was the parent, and if he were so concerned, he should have come to her. Mi madre don’t play that. She was not buying his explanation.

Mummy came back home cussing, and told me what he said, at which time I felt super embarrassed, because I began to wonder if I interpreted what he said incorrectly. At 11, I struggled to express how uncomfortable I felt with the police officer’s conversation and interaction with me, and I really wondered if my intuition had failed me. My mother took my side, POINT BLANK. No questions asked. Her daughter felt uncomfortable, and told her, and she didn’t question it. She never once thought I was lying or that I had misinterpreted the officer’s actions. Did he touch you Linisa? No mummy he didn’t. Are you sure Linisa? Don’t be afraid to tell me. Parents are supposed to protect their children. Whether it be a stranger, a police officer, someone in the church, or the neighbourhood, or a family member, it is their duty to always take their children’s side when they courageously step forward to share an uncomfortable experience they encountered with another adult. It is your responsibility to notice their behavioural changes and find out what is wrong. It is our collective duty to protect them.We are to seek justice on their behalf when others have taken advantage of them.

Humans Suck!

I wrote this blog post, because I’ve found myself feeling tired and disheartened by our behaviour when incidents of sexual assault are brought to the forefront. This blog post is in response to the recent incidents reported in the news of alleged sexual assault by police officers. I applaud the young women for coming forward and sharing their harrowing experiences with their parental units. I am happy that the parents are taking it further. However, what has been most disappointing is the obvious political agenda that has been exposed, with the opposition party publicly reading a letter from one of the young victims, which was written to her father, expressing the horrific acts of her assault. I was super disappointed to see supposedly educated and intelligent adults in positions of power, re-victimize a young girl, whose private letter to her father, which is now being filed into evidence as the incident is fully being investigated by the police, is being used to progress their political mandate. I was even more disheartened to see a female member of the party defend the despicable actions of her party under the Facebook post of a close friend, who is a lawyer, who expressed her outrage at the decision to go public with the girl’s letter. The female politician indicated that they had received the permission of the young girl’s father, which in my opinion is no excuse. I am calling bullshit. Let’s be real, those that do know should advise those that don’t of the right procedures and processes for receiving justice. No-right thinking, compassionate, empathetic person, much more a ‘supposed’ advocate, would ever suggest that the right thing to do is to have that letter read in public, while investigations are on going, and the case hasn’t been called to the courts. I am also disappointed, but unfortunately not surprised, at the alleged police cover-up, which is the reason the political party has used as justification for granting the father’s wishes to have his daughter’s letter read on-air. There are individuals in positions of power that are known predators. They take advantage of this power by preying on our youth, all of which goes unaddressed. At the heart of it all, are young victims who are indoctrinated into traumatic experiences that can perpetuate harmful choices sexually, low self-worth, and be the breeding ground for future perpetrators. This is how the cycle of abuse continues.

9 years ago, I began my advocacy journey and there have been a lot of things I have learned that have not only made me a better person, but have also allowed me to correctly intervene in situations of crisis, all the while protecting victims and allowing them the space, with supported resources to help them find a path to healing. Sexual assault fuks our children up royally! The damage is irreversible. Our reactions when faced with incidents like these are what will dictate whether more of our youth will give into the fear of discrimination and victimization, and remain silent.  The least we could do is take our self-involved emotions and ambitions of grandeur out of the equation. The most we could do, is provide a safe space for their voices to be heard and acknowledged, and their cries for help to be acted upon. Why would we hinder justice by making decisions that are far from being in the best interest of the child ?

The Facts

1 out of 4 girls, and 1 out of 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Think about this for a moment, if you were to go to a primary school to present a speech, at least 25% of the little faces staring up at you, have either experienced or are experiencing sexual abuse. This is the magnitude of the situation.

According to the 2009 NCTSN (National Child Traumatic Stress Network) 2009 Child Sexual Abuse Fact Sheet, there are many reasons children do not disclose being sexually abused, including:

■ Threats of bodily harm (to the child and/or the child’s family)
■ Fear of being removed from the home
■ Fear of not being believed
■ Shame or guilt

Also, if the abuser is someone the child or the family cares about, the child may worry about getting that person in trouble. In addition, children often believe that the sexual abuse was their own fault and may not disclose for fear of getting in trouble themselves. Very young children may not have the language skills to communicate about the abuse or may not understand that the actions of the perpetrator are abusive, particularly if the sexual abuse is made into a game.

How we can suck less in life

Let’s take the time to own up to our shortcomings as parents, adults, teachers and law-makers when it comes to protecting our children and the larger society from predators. We know who they are. We always know. And often times, when we do get told, we do nothing. We must stop them, and in turn break the cycle that breeds them and harm our youth.

Tell me, what are we ALL going to do about truly creating a safe environment for our children to grow up in? We have to protect the next generation. One of the reasons I became an advocate, was because I wanted to preserve the smiles on the faces of little girls, like the colurful one my little beach friend is sporting in the image above. Outrage is useless without action. And our action is ineffective, if it infringes on the rights of our youth, while re-victimizing them for our own selfish agendas. Is it too much to ask us to do better? Let’s do better.

(image courtesy: Amina Doherty)
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7 thoughts on “sugar and spice, why do we keep robbing little girls of everything nice?

    1. Thank you for reading! The unfortunate thing about all of this, is that even though I would deem the experiences I shared traumatic, there are far worse. This cannot be allowed me to be the order of the day moving forward.

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  1. Thanks for sharing. You have made me a little more conscious. I had similar experiences as a child. I was not been able to talk about them until recently, when i told a friend about being grabbed by the butt by a policeman while walking home from school. I will be looking out for my grandchildren.

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    1. Thank you for reading Adele. I can only imagine the burden you’ve felt all these years. In my situation, I had parents who were very hands-on. From an early as I can remember, they reiterated that I was ALWAYS to tell them of any situations and incidents and/or persons that made me feel uncomfortable. I found my voice, because my parents and the other adults around me, provided a safe space to share and talk about my feelings. These are the things that make a difference. I wish you well, and do hope that you provide that safe space for your grandkids.

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  2. We have spoken on issues such as these too many times. The work continues. Thank to the political one-up-man-ship (shit) that now seems to be ruling the roost, the work seems to be getting harder and the absurdity from places we least expect it. Could it be also a reflection of guilt in some unexpected places?? Tired but not defeated

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    1. Tired is an understatement. When these incidents get thrown into the spotlight, as they rightfully should, I always get excited hoping that we will address the issues – cause, prevention, punishment – with honest hearts, empathy and a clear plan of action. But then ….. humans …… we suck big time. My commitment, like so many others, remains resolute. I benefited from a parental unit that protected and nurtured me, and I think I turned out well. So many don’t have that supportive environment, and suffer in the long-run for something they had no control over. We must do better.

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  3. Touching, timely and thought-provoking commentary, Linisa! You’ve articulated the problem well and have gone a step further by sugggesting solutions to the problem. I’m afraid that as things currently are societally, there won’t be a collective (en masse) movement against the sexual assault unleashed on our children from time immemorial. It takes people like you and me—in our own little way—to be proactive and then others will follow. Keep up the advocacy.

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