Issa Rae’s ‘Insecure’ made me realise I probably have a Broken Pussy

For those of you that know Issa Rae, then you are well aware of her ability to fashion eloquent, poignant, socially conscious and equally  ratchet rap lyrics. This post was inspired by her newest hit.  For those of you that don’t know who Issa is, let me school you for a minute. Issa Rae, is who I dream of being every night. She rose to fame as the creator, and lead protagonist Jay, in the hit You Tube series ‘The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl’ that debuted in 2011. What was the series about? Jay was black, and prone to awkward situations like a white ‘boss lady’ who rocked conrow braids, to a nutty best friend who couldn’t dance but was the life of the party, a baby-voice co-worker that wouldn’t speak up for nothing, to her ability to suck in social settings, and her first interracial relationship. In the midst of all of this confusion is Jay’s rap songs: from ‘booty shawts’ to lines about wanting to kill her competitive work-mate, we all enjoyed rapping Jay.

Issa, has now transitioned into super stardom with the debut of Insecure, which is an upgraded version of Awkward Black Girl. With the premiere of the her new HBO hit, Issa hits all the cylinders and reminds us why we fell in love with her to begin with. She is still black, awkward, and trying hard as fuk to get her shit together. Basically, she is me, meeeeee, meeeeeeeeee, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, MEEEEEEEEEEE. This show is FUBU – For Us By Us (yes I am still binge listening to Solange’s A Seat At The Table).  Like Issa’s character, I be doing the most, with the least returns in my basket.

On a real though, Issa owes me some money. I already see that the show’s episodes will shame me into the ground. The first episode already had me feeling a type of way. From being so socially conscious and woke, that interactions with persons who deem themselves ‘down for the cause’, actually turn out to be derogatory conversations coated in politically correct language. White privilege that tires you to the depth of your soul to the point that you just decide to keep your fake smile ready for emergency use. And can we take a collective five minutes to pause for the tiredness of relationships for young professional black women? Yeah Issa, you hijacked our lives, and we want some of that HBO money!

I know a few months ago, I was all happy-go-lucky about celebrating my 35th birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well guess what? Life comes at you hard. So, I dedicate this blog post, the second in two days, to the rap song Issa performs towards the end of episode 1 of Insecure – Broken Pussy. The lyrics go like this:

She give him all the cookies, when I say cookies, I mean pussy!

 This girl’s pussy kinda loosey.

Dudes take her off the shelf, and put her on credit

30 days later, they return it and regret it.

Used like a dish rag

Dumped like a hashtag

I blame it on the pussy

That shit must be bad.

Broken Pussy!

Broke. Broke, Broken Pussy!

Maybe it is dry as hell

Maybe it really smells

Broken Pussy!

Maybe it is really rough

Maybe it is has had enough

Broken pussy!

Nobody wants you cause you got a Broken Pussy!

Nobody wants you cause you got a Broken Pussy!

Broken pussy!

Didn’t I tell you all Issa got barsssss!!!!!????? And before you all start trying to be all up in my pussy politics, I am not talking about a man. Actually, I am. Can we just call a tiring life marred with daily routine a fuk boy? Yeah? Thanks. I love how this is such a safe place. Anyway, I have been stuck in the abyss of what I think is the juncture of mediocrity and perpetual tiredness. I have no energy to do anything really outside of completing work tasks that have been ongoing for a few months. I brush my teeth and wash my ass ………… and pussy, and keep it moving.  I find myself like Issa’s character, seeking something better, greater, more challenging, yet just standing at the edge of the field looking up at a 50 foot wall, that seems to be getting higher the longer I look at it. I will have good days, where I get a lot done, and I am feeling overly productive, but most days, everything is routine. I tick everything off the to-do list, but find myself super tired at the end of the day, only to be still awake four hours later, laying still on my bed, cussing my fan for not really ‘cooling’ me down, as I keep thinking about my finances that don’t match my ambition, and the constant uncomfortable feeling that I might have reached my peek, and that I might not ever achieve the lingering dreams that occupy my mind. “Maybe some days I want to be dicked down!” is what Issa says about seeking excitement. I feel the same way. I love adrenaline rushes, and discovering and learning new things, places and people. I’m a learner, and a wanderer who is hindered from travelling more, because … well ……. bills … responsibilities ….. adulting. meh. BROKE-n Pussy!

Maybe it is really rough

Maybe it is has had enough

Broken pussy!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the things that I do. Over the past year, I made the decision to only focus on things and initiatives that fuel my passion and progress my talent. I started my own business, stepped away from things that no longer interest me, and reduced my workload. But even with all of these changes, I feel a bit lost. I am struggling to do life better. I go to the beach, exercise, ‘try’ to eat healthy, been reading more, stepped away from certain social outings, taken a break from Facebook and other social media platforms, but I swear I feel super stunted. You know who I feel like? This poor woman at the airport, walking in the wrong direction on the conveyor belt.

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I don’t think she is crazy. I truly think she got on the conveyor belt by accident, and although instantly realised she erred, was way too tired to turn around, so she decides she will just spend some time thinking about life and her BROKE-n Pussy on her path to no-God-damn-where. You know what, she is actually moving, just at a slower rate to the others using the ‘right’ conveyor belt. Maybe she has time to burn, or maybe she is exercising. She even stood up for a hot two seconds to adjust her load/luggage, and began walking again. I am there with you sis, I am there with you. *fist pump*. And can we talk about how shitty people are? Why didn’t anyone tell her she was going in the wrong direction? One lady is video-recording her and laughing, and the airport employee just rode pass on his lil buggie and didn’t even say shit! If this situation isn’t the best example of life, I don’t know what is.

So what’s my plan? How am I going to nurture my BROKE-n Pussy back to pristine condition? Meh. Like the great Dory says, “Just keep swimming.”I am in a funk, and I think the first step towards recovery, is my acceptance of this space I presently occupy, and the fact that it is just for a period of time. Sometimes you can do the most, but if it isn’t your time to shine, then it just isn’t your time. I am both comfortable and uncomfortable with where I am. Comfortable in the sense that I’ve begun writing again – because well, I never write from a place of happiness, I am the perpetually tortured artist. Uncomfortable, because I don’t want to get too comfortable, and slip into a non-active role.

People are people and we want and like different things. Kudos to everyone who finds their life’s fulfillment. I feel only 15% of us will ever truly experience such euphoria, while the rest of us find ourselves jumping from flower to flower, yearning for that perfect smell, when really we should consider  standing still. I’ve been using this ‘funk’ time to complete all my outstanding projects, sit and research and take time to outline my future tasks, while opening myself to making a complete 180 and stepping completely out of my comfort zone, if need be. Maybe that is just what I need.

But for now, until I figure this ish out, I am dedicated to coming up with my own choreography for BROKE-n Pussy. Oh, and I will be blogging more, mostly talking out of my ass, as I avoid going to counselling .. ………… and as a bonus to this post, check out the music video for BROKE-n Pussy. Ha! I’m about to get ALL the judgey stares of life.

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One thought on “Issa Rae’s ‘Insecure’ made me realise I probably have a Broken Pussy

  1. In this context, I guess my pussy is broken too, lol. I’m currently living what I’d like to refer to as the hamster life. And I too acknowledge and accept that that’s where things are for now. When I feel myself fermenting in that funk for too long, I know to reel myself in. At the end of the day n uch strength can come from these moments of our lives.

    Like

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